And I Thought Kylie Was Sexy!

Well I was very wrong about the Czech Republic but since the winner of the tournament was the game of football itself I don't feel all that bad. I am also hoping that foreign goalkeepers continue to play like numpties during the premiership season(what was the Turkish keeper doing?), to add an element of total luck to the title race - Spurs will then be as likely to win as anyone else.

The sub-tropical heat of the Subcontinent, and the dry heat of North-East Australia, are a distant memory. The English summer continues to discredit the oddballs who spout global warming theories from under their duvets. I think the cold has frozen their brains!

I promised you a few photos of the Dumbrell jaunt Down Under - so there are several liberally spread through this month's ramblings. We spent a great week in Sydney and like true tourists wandered around the Bridge, the Opera House, the Rocks. We recommend upstairs at Doyle's restaurant quaffing shellfish and Australian Chardonnay with views of the bridge on one side and Circular Quay on the other - awesome!

We went on to spend another great week in the Whitsunday Islands, to be specific - Hamilton Island. Quite perfect, except the strafing of our apartment balcony every night by the resident cockatoos! They are big and noisy! Almost as scary as the fruit bats hanging around in the Botanical Gardens in Sydney - Dracula is alive and well! Two highlights of Hamilton island - the 360 view from the high point of the island - at its best, as you watch a threatening storm roll in from the Pacific Ocean; the second, a chance to drive golf carts at top speed to the supermarket ! Karen almost turned one over.... Nutter!

Of course, the Whit Sundays are popular not only because they are idyllic but also because they are within squid-squirting distance of the best parts of the Great Barrier Reef. The Reef for the uninitiated is twice the size of the UK ! It was everything I expected and a whole bunch more! Keeping Conor from swimming off into the abyss after a strange looking fish was a full time job but I did manage to look around some of the most fabulous scenery I have ever laid eyes on ! Go snorkel it if you get the chance.

We headed back to Mumbai for a night to stay with the delightful Giddings clan, before returning to London and the fine British weather. The feelings of a great adventure over are with us and we are now back to an Orwellian existence. Stuffed onto the Jubilee line every morning I feel like Winston Smith daring to play my ipod at an anti-social level disturbing other Party Workers in the sardine can. How can they be at their most effective as Party workers if I have disturbed their routine with a tinny rendition of Yellow?

Still no sign of the furniture so the picnic chairs are seeing some heavy usage!

So signing off from Musings. I thought of continuing my ramblings - 'Womblings From The Wharf', 'Communique from Canary' ? so look out for updates at this address - I won't be sending any e-mails out though so I'll leave it to you to visit when you are bored rigid on a Friday afternoon, watching the clock tick until the factory hooter goes, to let you squeeze into a sardine can to take you home.

Dumbers
PS. I'm off to Mumbai and Delhi again on Monday - huzzah! This time only for a week - I might spot our furniture going the other way or sitting on Mumbai docks covered in seaweed!

For what is a man, what has he got?

"Every night I have to read a book, so that my mind will stop thinking about the thing that I am stressing about" - Britney Spears b.1981 Louisana, United States.

I have just completed Ulysees for the fourth time, and Karen has finished the complete works of William Shakespeare. Britney knows a thing or two about mental illness so we took her advice and read ourselves out of our our state of near panic.

Stress levels are rather high at present as the packers have been in and the apartment looks like a cardboard box factory. Plans to visit Australia mean that our wordly goods will be in 4 different parts of the world during June, and fears of container ship sinkings off the coast of Oman mean that we have had to say goodbye to each and every piece of furniture as though it were a member of the family.

Life in Mumbai draws to a close for all of us Dumbrells - I will miss many, many things about the country, the city and the people we have met. I'll miss the incredible energy, desire and ambition of the people I have worked with, and the staggering confidence of the country to resolve the massive issues it faces. I will not miss the lack of oxygen, the constant dampness in all of one's bodily crevices, and the smell of the fish market that drifts across Mumbai on a daily basis.

I've written about the problems that Mumbai faces. Here is one way that India is tackling things.. ...... Bandra-Worli Sealink aimed at fixing the Mumbai traffic problem. I suspect it will be a jam packed car park from the day it opens but it does look impressive.




During May, we have had delightful visits from the Fieldsend clan and Mr Blarney himself, Davey Dunn. Dave tootled up to Kathmandu and took a microlite flight around the Himalayas,whilst the Fieldsend folks stopped in Mumbai to sample the delights of the T20 IPL. We managed to 'facilitate' some tickets for the Aussie fatboy's team versus Delhi Daredevils - fantastic atmosphere in the ground - a full house of screaming, dancing cricket nuts - Alex mentioned that it represented a stark contrast to the Lord's crowd that he had been part of a couple of weeks before - master of understatement, our Alex.

I finish work in Mumbai today and Conor finishes school tomorrow. Karen finishes a massage and reflexology spa treatment at about 2 o'clock. We all have that end of school year feeling - looking forward to the holidays but with a sense of loss. We are all looking forward to a kangaroo burger, staring at the Opera House, and saying 'Cobber' a lot for the next couple of weeks, but we are also very sad at leaving some good friends, a great lifestyle, and many good memories. Indian plumbing, Indian electrics, Indian holes in Indian roads aside, we have mightily enjoyed the experience.

The Local Education Authority at home (West Sussex - if anyone feels like writing a snotty letter) will not allocate a school place for Conor until we are physically back in the country -silly arses! So Conor may get a 10-week summer holiday again after all. My new 'Big School' is somewhere in Canary Wharf on the 13th floor (!!!) - my boss has promised me an extravagant potted plant to give it the tropical and homely feel of Southern India - we will have to switch off the air conditioning to get the full dripping Mumbai experience.


Enough babbling. I will post some shots of Sydney at the end of June to get all your creative juices flowing for next year's summer holiday, and perhaps spark some interest in you when you next hear of an ex-pat assignment at work.

Dumbers

PS. My money is on the Czech Republic

"Attack Ships On Fire Off The Shoulder Of Orion"

One month to go and so much to do! Karen is in full panic mode about packers, jobs for her staff, address changes, somewhere to live in England.... I'm in full panic mode about the current form of the Mumbai Indians, the impending ignominy of Newcastle finishing on more points than Spurs, oh and what the hell I'm going to do with myself from July onward!

Anyway, more of all that later. Dubai was a blast thanks to the warm hospitality of the Williams clan. Young Anna Sophia showed Conor the delights of building sand castles on her private beach on Frond F of the Palm Jumeirah.

As you see it is not a small villa, it is a huge, beautifully appointed, leviathan with views over the Atlantis resort being built on Frond G and beyond. We shopped, skiied, and holidayed to our hearts content, and this time battled with the 12 lane expressways ourselves. I managed to find the right exit for the Emirates Mall car park, and get into the car park, only to lose track of the way, and end up back on the 12 lane expressway going in the opposite direction! 20 minutes later we managed to turn around and this time successfully negotiate our way into a parking spot.

Mumbai is growing too fast for its own good. The infrastructure is not able to keep pace with the demand for functioning office space, and residential homes to put people in. According to a Mumbaikar I was speaking to last week, that is because the Central Indian government empty the city coffers of locally collected taxes on an all too regular basis. Central government then have the temerity to go and spend it on projects aimed at lifting people above the poverty line - they have managed to do that for around 200 million people in the last 15 years. There are not many socialists to be found in the Mumbai - lots of rupee billionaires though!

Dubai is also a building site on a grand scale although much more ordered. The scaffolding is metal and rigid rather than bamboo and squidgy. The dust is permanently in the air as a result of the amount of digging being done and the fact that its a desert!

Just as many Russian gangsters, Hummers, gold taps, extraordinary civil engineering projects, and shoe shops as our last visit but this time it all seemed more normal rather than like Disneyland - perhaps we have been away from the UK for too long. Ski Dubai was of course a key element of the trip, but this time all of us were outskiied by Anna Sophia who has ski lessons there every week as a part of her school PE curriculum!

Back in Mumbai, we had a week long visit from the Swans, God daughter and all. Simon took to the hierarchical nature of Indian society very easily indeed. His 14 stones (and increasing....) clearly represented a problem to these cart pullers given that Matheran hill is about a kilometre of steep mountain side. They gave up but Scouser was not prepared to get out and walk. Lisa acted as peacemaker and paid the cart-pullers double the going rate.

The kids appeared to have a great time, and Ravi became a favourite uncle overnight !

While Simon was in India we were lucky enough to stumble across Mr Sachin Tendulkar, captain of the Mumbai Indians, and all round cricket legend.

CHAK DE MUMBAI INDIANS !

When asked what Sachin was like when he shook hands with him, Conor was his usual brutally honest self, and suggested that Sachin was a bit bored and frankly not interested in what Conor was saying. A lesson for Sachin in humility there I think. At the time, Sachin was sitting in his Rolls Royce so perhaps he had an excuse.

Not only did Simon and I catch Sachin, but we were also lucky enough to spy a former Miss Great Britain, Preeti Desai, in Mumbai. We were obviously too polite to disturb Preeti in mid-celeb but Karen bundled in there and starting quizzing her about celebrity life. Preeti has moved to Mumbai from Middlesborough (brave!) to launch her career as an actress in Bollywood.

Good Luck Preeti I say!

http://www.preetidesai.net/

The Indian Premier League Twenty 20 tournament is underway in India and is BIG news. Kolkata and Delhi are heading the league after 3 games and Mumbai are holding the table up. Sachin has not been fit, but there are mumblings of a return for the Messiah. Work has been unbearable as all the Delhites have found it impossible to stoip bragging about their wins. The League final is at the end of May in Mumbai and it looks likely that the tournament will be a HUGE success - grounds have been full for all the games so far, and its rumoured that the tournament will actually make money in its first year. Given the wages they are paying the idols and the overseas stars to come and play, that is quite an achievement. Shame about the cheerleaders though....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/7366516.stm.

SAVE THE CHEERLEADER.

Due to all those Americans defaulting on mortgages on their trailers, Mumbai is emptying of ex-pat folks as the financial services sector tightens its belt. Lots of Conor's classmates will be leaving Mumbai for the last time at the end of term, and I think the light bulb is coming on for him. He is asking lots of questions about his next school and the children he will meet, and can he join up at RADA now. We all have mixed feelings about leaving - we've made some great friends, seen some great places, and jumped WAY out of the rut that we found ourselves in 2 years
ago. Now on to more challenges !!

Dumbers
PS Video of Karen's brace. Do take a look.... hee, hee..

I Heard That...... Pardon?

I've heard its a bit blowy in the UK...... and a bit chilly.... and to add to the craziness, England look like winning a cricket test series. Luckily there are some staple truisms to keep us all from thinking that the lunatics are running the UK asylum. England rollover the Irish at rugby, Spurs go marching on, and Ashley Cole acts like a prat.

We've all spent the month in Mumbai, so are throat-cuttingly keen to get out of India for a few days - we are off to Dubai for Conor's school Spring Break to ski in the desert again. Off to stay with The Williams Clan on Frond 9 - more on that next month. Might make High Tea at the Burj Al-Arab this time if the helicopter is the right colour - Karen never travels in anything other than a Royal Blue helicopter these days.

I need to bring you up to speed on my health - it is deteriorating fast! I have had to use the Indian health service during the month, and as you can tell from the picture I was not feeling on tip-top form on Easter Sunday either. The hospital visits were due to my inability to hear a thing my delightful wife was saying to me. The 'affliction', as it became known, seemed limited only to problems hearing Karen, which I put down to her having a far softer and more lilting tone than anyone else I know. My experience of the Indian Health Service puts the NHS to shame - but frankly I hear the Iraqi health service does a pretty good job of that as well. My ear was back fully functioning within a week, helped by the highly professional ENT specialist I paid R.250 (3 quid) to see on the spot - queuing time 20 minutes. Easter Sunday saw Conor, Karen and I take part in the American School Tryathon (baby triathlon). Conor and Karen did the swim legs for their respective teams, and I ran what seemed a distance worthy of Paula Radcliffe but was in fact about 1km. We ran at around 09:30 in the morning, by which time the temperature had reached 32C, and humidity was above 90%! Running without oxygen proved a tad wearing on my aged bag of bones, so as I crossed the finish line, my chest was bursting with the Flames of Hell itself! The Karen and Ian team came 4th in the baby tryathon which was some achievement ... the other competitors were generally a little younger..... well, they were 10 year olds.

I spent the next 12 hours running cold showers and standing in front of the AC units in the apartment to try and reduce my body temperature below that of Johnny 'Flame On' Storm. I had no idea I had sweat glands in places that were leaking so profusely that I genuinely thought I was going to dessicate from the inside out. My face has now returned to the colour of a human rather than a beetroot so I believe I am on the road to recovery - I shall not be entering an Iron Man challenge any time soon. I have always had tremendous respect for long distance runners.... now I am just a little bit worried about their sanity.

Mumbai traffic is a major feature of Mumbai life - without it the city wouldn't be the same. Up to now, we had always taken the chaos as more of a fact of life than a real problem. Like all jammed traffic, it stood still, and therefore didn't represent a danger to anyone. Driving in the morning rush hour last week, Karen and I saw a tuk-tuk passenger get thrown out of the side of his vehicle as it swerved violently to avoid wiping out a pedestrian. The passenger hit the ground at about 25 miles an hour right by the side of our car. He continued to travel out toward the middle of the on-coming traffic leaving much of the flesh on his back on the road surface - looking strangely like red tyre marks. As he slowed to a crawl, a tuk-tuk (thank God it wasn't a car) tried desperately to stop but couldnt avoid him, mounting him, one set of wheels roughly at throat height, the other taking out the middle of his calves. As he came out the back end of the tuk-tuk like meat through a sausage machine, his head popped up which automatically sat him bolt upright - dazed and confused, he didnt have a clue where he was or which way was up, or why several lines of traffic were hurtling toward him! All the tuk-tuk drivers involved inspected their vehicles just to make sure he hadn't done any lasting damage or ruined the paint work. One helpful passer-by ran out into the traffic and picked up the poor fella like a sack of spuds, legs and arms flailing in all directions and whisked him to the relative safety of the pavement. Perhaps the traffic is a little bit of a liability...... Note to self: must get insurance.

Conor got his second set of test results from the American School this month and it appears the kid is a bit of an American genius and is in the top 1% of 4th graders. He has no more room to improve on the graphs of his relative performance against the 4 million 10-year old American kids who took the test. He communicates like a 16-year old American, reads like a 14-year old American, and his maths skills are those of a 13 year old American.......... CONOR FOR PRESIDENT !

Conor is doing very well as usual and is training hard for the upcoming Swim Gala. He has 1:2:1 coaching now, which explains why he and his mate Owen came second in the tryathon - yes, the same race his parents came fourth in! Here is some footage of Conor and friends at ASB sports day recently - very competitive.

Karen has been doing her stuff for the PTA and for the AWC but with her impending departure from Mumbai in June, is now looking to hand over her onerous responsibilities to those that follow. I think she is secretly enjoying offloading what has, over some time now, become an unfathomable overload of administrative hocus-pocus. The PTA ball this year was a real giggle, particularly for those that thought I was a Catholic priest! I cannot remember how often I had to say 'No its a Nehru jacket, no I am not celibate.'.

Anyway back to news from Blighty. Smashing the Irish must not be seen as any reason for putting Cipriani on the pedestal reserved for Jonny. The Irish are a busted flush of a team now and O'Sullivan going was proof that they think so also. Cipriani is good but lets get it all in proportion before we create ourselves a disappointment of All Black proportions. I don't want to go the way of Wales in thinking that we can win more than 5 matches in a row. Lets find a midfield and a back row first. Well done to the Welsh - about time something nice happened out that way

Oh and for all you Chelsea fans out there.
'Nice one Cyril, Nice One Son, Nice One Cyril, Lets have another one!" - Sing along now..... 'Nice one...... '

Dumbers

P.S. Desperately hope that you have all come back down from the mountain with all your bones intact - I think you are all getting to the age where skiiing injuries may be the excuse needed to put us down. They shoot horses dont they?

Regan est un clown

I write during a fairly tense Sunday afternoon - butterflies are a-fluttering in the bread-basket as the tension of waiting for kick-off in the first Cup final that Spurs have got to in 8 long years kicks in. Although it is an entirely different sport, team, and level of thuggery, the England rugby result against France yesterday, augers very well indeed for the result against Chelski - I am an England rugby fan and a Spurs fan and it therefore follows that if one team wins, the other will undoubtedly follow. We will see how things progress.........

Inequality hits you in the face every day in India - I read yesterday that there are now more obese people in the world (25% of the adult population in the UK are now officially classified as obese) than undernourished, but that over 250 million people in India are still living under the poverty line. The definition of poverty is living on less than one dollar a day - 50p to you and me....... a day.

I've just got back from a trip to Kerala where the Communist Party of India rules the state. Everywhere you look the Hammer and Sickle is in your face ! Apart from the slightly nostagalic feelings of self-righteous lecturing I get when I see a poster of Che Guevara (yes, I had one in my student hovel as well), I did feel as though Communism has done some real good here in this part of India. Everyone in Kerala has a plot of land big enough to build something to keep the rain off their families, and infant mortality in the state is lower than any other across India. The Communists have been democratically elected to run the state by its own people on and off for over 50 years now - so they must be doing something right, in a political system that offers a bewildering array of options to the voter.

God's Own Country, as Kerala is sub-titled on all the road signs, is politically and geographically beautiful ! Family Dumbrell spent 4 days ogling the best bits - Lake Periyar, Thekaddy, houseboats on the backwaters, Cochin, and all seemed suitably sublime and picturesque. Conor picked up some advanced skills in swordsmanship, and I picked up some nasty mozzie bites.

Conor has turned 10 during February, and continues to grow beyond all recognition and frankly against all logic. Neither Karen nor I have ever had trouble with low beams in old country houses, or have had to stoop to talk to old people, so the fact that Conor is the second tallest kid in his class now is causing some consternation. On the one hand, I am of course delighted that a far larger number of England rugby positions are open to Conor as a result of not being a midget, on the other however, I find myself of an evening examining pictures of Andy Buller......

Talking of rugby, I must say how surprised I have been with the performances the lads have put in of late - the France result away was a pleasant surprise particularly after being rogered by the 'leekies'. This Wrigglesworth fella seems a bit of a step up from Mr. Gomersall - his pass gives Jonny Goldenballs a bit more time, which may quite literally give him a bit more time in the side at least until Cipriani stops getting all nervous.

Work continues a pace. The one other white man based in the office has just announced his departure to Dubai next month, so I will be the only official Westerner in a building of 2500 souls. Adds to the feeling of a bit of a wind down now until our departure in July, but I am sure some disaster, real or deliberately created, will keep me on my toes until my furniture leaves on the slow boat to Cape Horn.

Results out of Mumbai have been good of late, sales, quality, etc and so on are laying concerns about offshoring to rest. Other UK companies are disagreeing at the moment.... http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6353491.stm . I have been digging of late into something called 'ethnocentricity' and how it applies to doing business . Most people have a sub-conscious urge to frame everything in terms of their own culture - this results in a sub-conscious preference to interact with those from the same ethnic group. As an example, customers may assign a lower worth to service delivered by other ethnic groups, e.g. Indian call centres, than that from European based call centres - even if the outcome of the calls are the same. As you can imagine, I have clung quite strongly to this academic concept through much of my time here in India! Only now, 18 months in, do I believe that given enough effort, companies can overcome even this psychological fly-in-the-ointment.

Anyway enough of this old shiz...... Have a good March - good skiing to all those of you off to throw yourselves off mountains... you lucky b*****s.

Dumbers

Thanda ho jana andhara Mumbai!

Blimey, what a whirlwind January has been! I am sure the last time I stopped for breath I was sitting at the Mother-In-Law's dinner table on Christmas Day with a pile of 20,000 calories on the plate in front of me! The turkey was closely followed by 10,000 calories of figgy puddin. A wafer thin mint with coffee finally pushed me over the edge into instant obesity - I had
no idea my stomach skin was so elastic.

Before I sound too ungrateful - I must insist that every mouthful represented a blessed English relief from Jessie's chicken surprise - the surprise always being that its chicken curry!

We, the Family Dumbrell, had what I can only describe as a stonking R&R trip home for three weeks - meeting up with just about all the relatives we have in good old Blighty - as an aside, I found out recently that I have a number of long last relatives in the Botany Bay region of Australia - the government of the time were kind enough to send them there. You to can
track down the whereabouts of your surname on the link below - take a look at the Mosaic demographic description for your name- an eyeopener!

http://www.nationaltrustnames.org.uk/Surnames.aspx

A BIG thankyou to all those folks who put us up and put up with us - particularly young Heather Fieldsend who never ceases to amaze me with her capacity to host a small army at Badger's Copse during the holiday season. I had a great New Year although losing the Great JF quiz to She-That-Must-Be-Obeyed will rankle until next Hogmanay.

Great to catch up with many of you to experience some old haunts again - The Gutbuster, the Guinness, the steak sandwich at Bill's - by God, I've missed excessive calories!

Really enjoyed slashing around a golf course with Conor and Reg, and slashing around a virtual golf course on the Hill family's ill-gotten Nintendo Wii.

The highlight of the trip back home was undoubtedly seeing Russ Abbott in full costume as the Tin Man in the pantomime version of The Wizard of Oz - what a pro. A 'flying monkey' had become trapped by the flying harness that had failed leaving him dangling in full view of the audience during Russ's big scene. The monkey did such great job of pretending not to be
there that everyone carried on. That is everyone except Russ who laughed heartily and prodded him. The Director at this point decided he needed to stop the show, get the monkey down, apologise to the gathered luminaries of Southampton. Hopefully he also gave Russ the good shoeing he deserved.

Life back in Mumbai is pretty much the same as before although its winter so the mornings are distinctly chilly, forcing Karen to wear her favourite 'lightweight spring cardigan' - very poor cost-per-wear on knitwear in India. The pollution in Mumbai has two great side effects - in the morning, it sits just above ground level and gives a quiet, misty if not mystical, feel to the trip to school. In the evenings, the vanilla sky is painted the most beautiful rich red hue as the setting sun gets refracted through the layers of cancerous particulate - a delight.

Tenants at Sunte Avenue have decided that they have had enough of the luxury fittings and capacious living space. All prices for a six month let considered for friends and colleagues! http://www.stuartandpartners.co.uk/property_details.php?id=120

A quick reference to the Mighty Spurs- a cup final and the dizzying heights of 11th place! It would have been nice to meet Everton at Wembley because they don't get out much, but hey ho Chelsea will be suffering at the hands of The Lillywhites
instead. Ramos looks likely to be a more long term inspirational success than Kevin K will ever be Up North.

Talking of Up North, I did a few days work during my trip to the UK out of the Teesside office. The best bit was the flight home. We were made to queue over Heathrow so I got to see the view up the river from Canary Wharf, Tower Bridge, Twickenham,
etc and so on, at twilight - beautiful England, green and pleasant land. Really nice the first time around. By the 4th time and an hour into queueing, I remembered some of the downsides of its prettiness !

Things on the work front are looking distinctly UK bound and Conor finishes his school year in June. If anyone has friends in Melbourne, Karen seems keen to use July to visit our sheep loving friends in that area, then please do drop us a line and we will look them up. Mr. Smith and his young family are our number one target of course!

I visited The Witch to suss out the lay of the land for my future career. Standards have slipped and I no longer requireballoons up my jumper to qualify as a candidate for a position amongst the bar staff. It does seem to be the flavour of the moment to deflate - what with Jordan and Pammy taking significant reductions in their measurements.

Toodle Pip - and watch this space next month for some awesome pictures of Karen's oral re-vamping.......

Namaste

Dumbers

Bah Humbug !

Shub Naya Baras !!!!!!!

Merry Christmas to one and all ! Hope you all get what you want in your stockings........ and that 2008 brings a whole host of new challenges and opportunities. Don't let the grass grow under your feet !

Just wanted to post a quick bit of evidence to back up my claims regarding American appetites.....

You'll note the Dumbrell's plates are empty and the American in the shot, hacking at the turkey, has that crazed 'I'm going to eat it all' look in his eyes!

Love and Peace to All Mankind.